By Staff (Names Changed for Everyone’s Safety — Including Ours)
In the midst of national outrage and debate over federal immigration enforcement — especially the recent fatal shooting of Renee Good by a U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officer in Minneapolis — an entirely different question occurred to us:
What do the people who are actually married to or dating ICE agents think about all this?
This isn’t a real poll.
It isn’t serious research.
It is, however, deeply curious.
So we talked to a few people who are married to, dating, or otherwise emotionally entangled with ICE agents. What we found was… illuminating.
Interview #1: “Karen”
(Mid-40s, Suburban, Keeps Saying “We’re Not Political”)
Karen insists her husband “wasn’t always like this.”
“He used to just get mad at customer service reps,” she said. “Then he got the badge and suddenly everyone was a potential threat.”
When asked whether her husband practices his use-of-force explanations at home, Karen paused.
“I mean… sometimes he runs through it in the shower. But that’s just professionalism.”
Karen says things got tense after she asked a simple question at dinner.
“I asked, ‘Do you think that was really necessary?’
He didn’t speak to me for three days.
So… lesson learned.”
Interview #2: “Melissa”
(Early-30s, Exhausted, Communicates Entirely Through Sighs)
Melissa didn’t hesitate when asked how she feels about her partner’s job.
“Honestly? I’m just relieved he’s yelling at strangers now.”
She describes the ICE academy as “a personality accelerator.”
“All the traits that were annoying before — the anger, the paranoia, the obsession with authority — they just leveled up.”
When asked whether watching the news makes things uncomfortable at home, Melissa nodded.
“I don’t recognize him anymore.
But I do recognize the tone.
It’s the same one he uses when the dishwasher isn’t loaded ‘correctly.’”
Interview #3: “Dave”
(Yes, Men Count Too)
Dave says his boyfriend joined ICE because he “wanted structure.”
“Apparently structure means a uniform, a gun, and the confidence to say the quiet part out loud.”
Dave says he’s stopped asking questions.
“Every conversation ends with ‘You don’t understand how dangerous it is out there.’
I’m like — you work in an office building.”
Common Themes Identified
Across interviews, several patterns emerged:
• A sudden and intense interest in power
• A belief that accountability is something that happens to other people
• An uncanny ability to justify anything with the phrase “policy allows”
• An expectation of unconditional support at home — regardless of headlines
Many spouses described feeling conflicted, embarrassed, or quietly furious — but emphasized they were not allowed to call it that.
Final Thoughts
This is not a real study.
There is no funding.
There are no peer-reviewed conclusions.
But if you live with someone who comes home from work convinced they’re a hero for surviving another day of “threats,” while the rest of us watch the footage and read the reports — you’re not imagining the disconnect.
You’re just seeing it from the inside.
No judgment.
Editor’s Note:
Readers have asked whether the “ICE Spouse Public Service Line” referenced in the accompanying image is real.
It is.
It’s a voicemail.
???? 707-238-2193
That’s it.