In a move that has left economists, healthcare professionals, and people with basic common sense scratching their heads, Donald Trump has unveiled his latest strategy to tackle the fentanyl crisis: tariffs. Yes, you heard it right. Forget border control, drug enforcement, or actual public health initiatives—why deal with the problem directly when you can just slap a 25% tax on Canadian maple syrup and Mexican avocados? Genius.
According to the former president, this economic masterstroke will “punish” countries like China, Mexico, and Canada for their role in the crisis. Because, as we all know, the only thing standing between a teenager and a fentanyl-laced counterfeit pill is the price of imported snow boots from Vancouver.
Trump supporters, of course, have fully embraced the idea. “If we can bankrupt Canada, the fentanyl crisis will be solved!” exclaimed one supporter, who refused to explain how those two things are related. “Also, tariffs are great because I heard somewhere that tariffs make America strong. Don’t ask me where I heard it—probably Facebook.”
But here’s the kicker: while your grocery bills skyrocket and the cost of living goes up (because, you know, tariffs are just taxes we all pay), the drug cartels remain blissfully unaffected. Apparently, no one told Trump that cartels don’t rely on legal trade routes to move their products. Shocking, right?
Naturally, as the fallout from these tariffs sets in—higher prices on everything from produce to prescription drugs—we can expect the usual scapegoating. Trump, of course, will take zero responsibility for any of it. Instead, we’ll get the predictable chants from his supporters about how Biden and Harris are ruining the economy. “Bidenomics strikes again!” they’ll cry, conveniently ignoring the “I did that!” sticker Trump metaphorically slapped on the mess himself.
To add insult to injury, the tariffs on China come with an extra sprinkle of irony. The fentanyl problem originates from illegal shipments, not legitimate exports. So, while the cost of your cheap holiday decorations triples, the supply of illicit drugs stays steady. It’s almost as if this whole tariff thing is more about optics than actual solutions.
Let’s be clear: combating the fentanyl crisis is serious business. But solving it with tariffs is like trying to fix a leaky boat by putting a “Do Not Swim” sign on the shore. You’re just making life harder for everyone else while the problem stays exactly where it is—floating smugly in the middle of the ocean.
So, to all the economic masterminds out there who think this plan is foolproof: please, tell us. How does a tariff on Mexican produce stop someone from smuggling fentanyl in their car’s wheel well? No, really, we’re dying to know. But spare us the patriotic fanfare and vague slogans. We need actual answers—preferably before we have to remortgage our homes to buy a loaf of bread.
And if all else fails, there’s always that classic fallback plan: blame Hillary. But hey, don’t forget to throw in some “Bidenomics” bashing for good measure—it’s all part of the show.