“Biggest Peace Prize Theft in History,” says man who once tried to buy Greenland.
In what historians are already calling “Tuesday”, former president and self-proclaimed “Best Peacemaker in the History of Peace” Donald J. Trump has reportedly ordered an “emergency deployment” of the National Guard to Norway after learning he did not win the Nobel Peace Prize — again.
“It’s rigged. Everyone knows it. I brought more peace than anyone in history. Bigger peace than Lincoln. Even bigger than Jesus — and he had great peace, tremendous peace,” Trump said outside a Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet, still wearing golf shoes and clutching a Diet Coke like a grenade.
According to anonymous sources close to the Operation Golden Ego, Trump allegedly “furloughed” the Nobel Committee by executive order, which he cannot legally issue but “feels like he can, and that’s basically the same thing,” per one aide nervously hiding under a table.
“Hostile Takeover of Peace”
The former president then announced what he called “the greatest, most beautiful, most peaceful military operation in the history of Nobel Prizes.”
600 National Guard members were reportedly told to “secure the prize”
Trump’s legal team filed something called “a strongly worded Truth Social post”
A hastily printed banner reading “Make Nobel Great Again” was spotted on a C-130 cargo plane heading nowhere in particular.
Trump then declared, “We’re liberating Oslo. They’ll thank me later. Probably give me TWO prizes.”
The Nobel Committee issued a statement saying, “We appreciate Mr. Trump’s enthusiasm, but we are a prize committee — not a hostile foreign nation — and he cannot, in fact, invade us with the National Guard.”
In a gesture of “goodwill and mild confusion,” the Committee offered Trump the opportunity to submit a written statement, since the teleprompter fuse had apparently blown out again — almost certainly the same saboteur responsible for the broken escalator at Trump Tower.
The statement was promptly returned to him covered in red ink, after Nobel language specialist — and former Freedom High English teacher Mrs. Lennox — went through two full red pens correcting spelling, grammar, and what she described as “unholy sentence structures.”
“I haven’t seen grammar this bad since a sophomore tried to rhyme ‘orange’ with *‘freedom,’” Mrs. Lennox said, still clutching the mangled manuscript. “If this man ever wrote The Art of the Deal, someone else definitely proofread it.”
Within minutes, Trump fired off a Truth Social post declaring Mrs. Lennox “a FAKE teacher — probably not even real,” calling her red pen “WOKE,” and accusing her of being part of “the Radical Punctuation Cartel.”
“She’s always hated Trump students. Everyone knows it. Worst teacher. Many people are saying this,” he wrote.
After that debacle, they agreed to a Zoom interview utilizing Cueprompter, but the words were reportedly “too big.” Trump then waved his hands, declared himself “a natural speaker like Lincoln and Jesus,” and decided to just riff.
One committee member described the performance as “a 47-minute filibuster that could only be translated as… jazz.”
Peaceful Chaos
The Norwegian government reportedly remains calm, issuing a polite statement reminding Trump that:
He is not president,
He does not command the National Guard, and
“We have really good chocolate but no patience for weird men yelling about prizes.”
Meanwhile, several MAGA supporters are believed to have booked flights to Oslo with “PRIZE RESCUE UNIT” T-shirts, apparently convinced they’re storming a building full of trophies.
Debate Junkie Take:
If Trump’s ego were a military power, Norway would have already surrendered.
12:04 AM NZST — First to see the sun, first to confirm: still no heavenly boarding calls. Sheep remain fully grounded. Rugby pubs still open.
2:15 AM NZST — Farmer in Christchurch reports three cows missing. RAPTURE-TRACK™ initially flagged it as “possible ascension.” Later confirmed: broken fence.
1:30 AM AEST — Reports of glowing lights over Sydney. Turns out: drone light show for Taylor Swift tour. Humanity still safe (or doomed, depending on your view).
3:45 AM AEST — Beer coolers vanish from Gold Coast beach party. RAPTURE-TRACK™ heat map lights up, but authorities blame kangaroos.
Tuesday, Sept 23 — Japan (UTC+9)
4:00 AM JST — Bullet trains still running on time. One conductor left an empty seat “for Elijah.” No boarding pass yet.
Monday, Sept 22 — Europe (UTC+1)
9:30 PM CET — Vatican City confirms “minor staffing shortages,” but Swiss Guard still fully staffed. Pope reportedly scrolling RAPTURE-TRACK™ app “just in case.”
11:12 PM CET — French cafés remain crowded. Locals shrug, sip espresso, and say: “If it happens, it happens.”
Monday, Sept 22 — U.S. East Coast (UTC-4)
3:05 PM EDT — TSA reports slightly shorter lines. Chick-fil-A drive-thru still faster than the stairway to heaven.
3:20 PM EDT — Pastor in Georgia goes live on Facebook: “We’re still here, folks. But keep your suitcases packed.”
Monday, Sept 22 — California (UTC-7)
12:15 PM PDT — Seismologists confirm earthquakes remain on schedule. No heavenly tremors detected.
12:30 PM PDT — Yoga studio in Santa Monica offers “Ascension Discount: First class free if you bring your own halo.”
⚠️ Closing Advisory
As of press time, RAPTURE-TRACK™ confirms the following:
No official lift-offs.
Plenty of missing beer coolers.
Social media debates hotter than hell itself.
Stay tuned. Updates may continue until everyone’s either gone, or it’s Wednesday.
Washington, D.C. — In what analysts are calling “the most dramatic GOP subplot since Lauren Boebert’s night at Beetlejuice”, sources who may or may not exist report that Charlie Kirk’s death wasn’t politics — it was passion. The working theory: Tyler Robinson’s revenge after discovering Kirk allegedly got cozy with Robinson’s trans partner, sending MAGA world into a plotline you’d expect in the spin room of a Fox News panel, not in a police report.
“The motive wasn’t ideology,” said a witness identifying only as @PatriotEagle88 on Truth Social. “It was jealousy. He didn’t care who was turning out at the rallies — he cared who was doing a hit-and-run into Kirk’s sheets.”
Allies rushed to cast Kirk as a free-speech martyr, though none addressed the rumor mill grinding out tales of stolen kisses and backstage scripture study. Meanwhile, pundits reached for the nearest cultural touchstone — JD Vance’s couch affair — and clarified the only accurate comparison: it would be like that couch scandal if the couch had a jealous significant other — say, a possessive loveseat — that showed up and opened fire. Otherwise, the furniture remains the most faithful character in GOP canon.
Irony took the wheel from there: a man who built a brand demonizing trans people possibly undone by a relationship with one. Shakespeare, if he owned a ring light.
Turning Point staff declined comment while reportedly launching a limited series titled “He Died For The Cause (Please Don’t Ask Which One)”. Working taglines include: “From Culture War to Couture Scar” and “MAGA Doesn’t Want to Stream This.”
As of press time, Debate Junkie’s investigative desk (a folding table and a furious group chat) could confirm only this: it’s not a tidy narrative — it’s a telenovela. And unfortunately for Charlie, he didn’t survive Season One.
Debate Junkie is satire. If you believed any of this was an AP wire, please return your press badge to the nearest ottoman.
Ah, the holiday season—a magical time of togetherness, goodwill, and…meticulously dissecting local events on Facebook like a bored Yelp reviewer at a two-star diner. Nothing says “seasonal cheer” quite like a long-winded critique of a community celebration! Let’s dive into the latest masterpiece: a post that is equal parts praise, unsolicited event planning advice, and thinly veiled indignation.
First, let’s start with the classic “I love it, BUT” opener. A seasoned complainer knows this sets the tone: “I’m about to nitpick everything you worked hard on, but don’t take it personally!” It’s like handing someone a beautifully wrapped gift only to reveal it’s a coupon for therapy.
The “Golden Ticket” Controversy
Now, let’s talk logistics. Nothing screams inefficiency like making kids wait in line for Santa while the adults freeze in 40-degree weather. The real issue? Clearly, the organizers didn’t consult the Great Oracle of Common Sense to realize that handing out toys without the line would save everyone’s souls. Because we all know the true magic of Christmas is efficiency, not tradition.
Lighting: Mood or Mayhem?
Next, the parking lot. It’s apparently so dim it could double as a “swingers party.” (Ah, yes, the natural comparison. Because when I think “poorly lit Christmas celebration,” I always think of Barry White and key bowls.) Never mind the charming ambience or the fact that portable lighting rigs don’t magically appear on a small-town budget—what we really need is floodlights bright enough to guide Santa’s sleigh and potentially land a 747.
Fire Pits: Warmth or Doom?
Then there are the fire pits. Sure, they provide warmth and a nostalgic glow, but let’s call it what it is: a death trap. Open flames + children = the end of civilization. The solution? Propane heaters! Much safer, far less cozy, and a perfect way to eliminate the rustic charm that apparently isn’t charming enough.
Pro Tips for Next Year
Finally, the pièce de résistance: the grand suggestion to move the entire event to a “weekend afternoon.” It’s a solid idea, really—other small communities like Graeagle have been doing it for years, drawing in visitors from neighboring towns. But hey, who needs collaboration when we can turn this into a good old-fashioned contest of who’s got the biggest tree? After all, nothing says holiday spirit like one-upping your community partners in a festive game of “mine’s bigger than yours.”
And let’s not forget the inevitable cries from the “taxpayers” brigade. You know, the ones clutching their wallets while insisting their annual $47 contribution to city coffers entitles them to a line-item veto on every decision. So, to those valiant defenders of fiscal responsibility, are you fine with city staff getting overtime to accommodate your weekend demands? Or is this the part where we remind everyone that Santa runs on cookies and goodwill, not payroll flexibility?
The Takeaway
The beauty of community events isn’t in their perfection; it’s in the heart, effort, and connection they bring. But why enjoy that when you can dissect every flaw like a Christmas turkey? So, to all the brave souls organizing events for the rest of us: keep going! Without your hard work, we’d have nothing to complain about. And where’s the fun in that?
In a move that has left economists, healthcare professionals, and people with basic common sense scratching their heads, Donald Trump has unveiled his latest strategy to tackle the fentanyl crisis: tariffs. Yes, you heard it right. Forget border control, drug enforcement, or actual public health initiatives—why deal with the problem directly when you can just slap a 25% tax on Canadian maple syrup and Mexican avocados? Genius.
According to the former president, this economic masterstroke will “punish” countries like China, Mexico, and Canada for their role in the crisis. Because, as we all know, the only thing standing between a teenager and a fentanyl-laced counterfeit pill is the price of imported snow boots from Vancouver.
Trump supporters, of course, have fully embraced the idea. “If we can bankrupt Canada, the fentanyl crisis will be solved!” exclaimed one supporter, who refused to explain how those two things are related. “Also, tariffs are great because I heard somewhere that tariffs make America strong. Don’t ask me where I heard it—probably Facebook.”
But here’s the kicker: while your grocery bills skyrocket and the cost of living goes up (because, you know, tariffs are just taxes we all pay), the drug cartels remain blissfully unaffected. Apparently, no one told Trump that cartels don’t rely on legal trade routes to move their products. Shocking, right?
Naturally, as the fallout from these tariffs sets in—higher prices on everything from produce to prescription drugs—we can expect the usual scapegoating. Trump, of course, will take zero responsibility for any of it. Instead, we’ll get the predictable chants from his supporters about how Biden and Harris are ruining the economy. “Bidenomics strikes again!” they’ll cry, conveniently ignoring the “I did that!” sticker Trump metaphorically slapped on the mess himself.
To add insult to injury, the tariffs on China come with an extra sprinkle of irony. The fentanyl problem originates from illegal shipments, not legitimate exports. So, while the cost of your cheap holiday decorations triples, the supply of illicit drugs stays steady. It’s almost as if this whole tariff thing is more about optics than actual solutions.
Let’s be clear: combating the fentanyl crisis is serious business. But solving it with tariffs is like trying to fix a leaky boat by putting a “Do Not Swim” sign on the shore. You’re just making life harder for everyone else while the problem stays exactly where it is—floating smugly in the middle of the ocean.
So, to all the economic masterminds out there who think this plan is foolproof: please, tell us. How does a tariff on Mexican produce stop someone from smuggling fentanyl in their car’s wheel well? No, really, we’re dying to know. But spare us the patriotic fanfare and vague slogans. We need actual answers—preferably before we have to remortgage our homes to buy a loaf of bread.
And if all else fails, there’s always that classic fallback plan: blame Hillary. But hey, don’t forget to throw in some “Bidenomics” bashing for good measure—it’s all part of the show.
